Suxville
by Linda09
Summary: This is a satire of Clark's never ending love for Lana Lang - Set 20 years in the future. Rated M for occasional strong language - Please don't read if you're under age.


_20 Years in the future_

Clark: I'm gonna get you Lex, I'm gonna bring you down; you hurt Lana.

Lex: Who the hell are you talking about, and by the way who the fuck are you?

Clark: Who am I Lex, who am I? I'm Clark Kent, we were best friends and we still would be if you hadn't made Lana cry. I can excuse everything you did, I can forgive it, but making Lana cry; that was low Lex even for you….that was when I knew there was no hope for you.

Lex: Who the hell is Lana? I've made a lot of women cry; not all of them wanted me to stop, and who gives a shit, right now I'm more interested in world domination.

Clark: Who CARES about the world, you hurt Lana's feelings, don't you even care that she cried? Oh I'm really going to get you for that Lex; I'm going to get you for that **good. **You're an unfeeling monster, you made Lana cry and you don't even CARE.

Lex: Yeah, well maybe you should get yourself a lobotomy first, now piss off and get me Superman! I want to fight and you're just a bore.

Superman has now arrived (arms crossed and shaking head): Luthor do you ever stop?

Lex: Ah Superman, as you know I've always been interested in world domination…

Superman ruthlessly cuts in: You're evil Luthor, you don't care about the millions of people who have died by your hand, you don't care about the countless number who are still suffering because of you; but when Clark told me that you don't even care that you made Lana cry, I knew then that you were just pure evil. Before that I thought….I really believed that you were just misunderstood but now Luthor….now I'm going to stop you.

Lex: Oh fuck, not you too….are you going to stop me for the millions of people I've killed or….

Superman: I can understand killing millions of people, some days people just piss you off; I can even understand not caring about the ones who are suffering, we all have days when we just don't give a shit; but to not care that you hurt Lana's feelings and made her cry…..to not even remember who Lana is….I just don't know what to say to that Luthor. There is NEVER an excuse for not caring about that. Sit down; you and I are going to talk about how a man should always treat Lana.

Lex (frowns): You mean women?

Superman (shakes head): No! Just Lana.

Lex (now in jail cell) finds out roomies are Lana's ex-boyfriends Jason & Adam.

Jason: Lex, I never thought they'd catch you.

Lex: They didn't, I turned myself in, I couldn't take listening to Superman one more second, btw, I thought you died.

Jason: I did; but Clark brought me back to life.

Lex (sneers): He always has to be a goodie, goodie.

Jason: You think? I was grateful until he told me that he brought me back to life just so he could explain to me why a man should never make Lana cry.

Adam: Yeah, man I got the same lecture. If I'd know getting involved with her ….

Lex: Shit, I got the same from Clark and Superman, but who the hell is Lana?

Jason & Adam look at each other in fear, then turn back to Lex, and Adam speaks: Oh, gees, you didn't tell them that you didn't know who Lana was. Hell Lex, you should have played dumb; you made Lana cry and didn't even remember who she was? Man, I really feel for you, no wonder you turned yourself in. How long was Superman lecturing you about who Lana was and making her cry before you turned yourself in?

Lex: Nearly 24 hours, I didn't know he could talk for so long, but he… (Lex shakes head sadly and sobs), he broke me…he broke me down; I couldn't take it anymore and called the police begging them to arrest me.

Adam & Jason nod in understanding, and pat Lex on back: What'd the police do?

Lex: They seemed to be in a hurry to get me away from Superman, and they offered me cigarettes, and whiskey and they said if I wanted I could go to the Bahamas for a holiday before bringing me in; but I was too scared that Superman would find me and start talking about Lana again, so I begged the police to bring me here.

Jason & Adam nod: The police are good guys, when Superman arrives for his weekly Lana lecture to the inmates the cops try to help us, they try to protect us, but there's only so much they can do…

Lex (with look of fear on face): Weekly Lana lecture?

Adam (with tears in eyes): Yeah, he uses the whiteboard and makes us take notes.

Jason nods sadly: It's brutal Lex. I've begged the other inmates to kill me again, but they won't. We have ticket numbers on who gets to die each week and mine is 1,013, so I still have over years and years of lectures to get through.

Adam: At the end of the lecture, he….he makes us read out the poems we wrote about what we've learned.

Lex: Poems, poems about what?

Jason (now sobbing uncontrollably): About Lana, he makes us read poems about how we'll never make her cry again.

Adam: And then….then he makes us sing Barry Manillow songs while we put our hands on our hearts, and turn to face the view screen that has a big picture of Lana on it.

Lex: But…that's inhuman.

Jason and Adam nod and whisper: We know….

Jason: Remember Lois Lane?

Lex nods head

Jason: She's tried to help us, tried to….to get herself killed to get him away from us, but she's failed time and again; he won't leave to save anyone when he's doing his lecture. One time he made her attend…and…and the other inmates felt so sorry for her, that we begged her not to put herself through it again, but she promised that she wouldn't give up, she swore that she'd find a way to stop his cruelty.


End file.
